manifesto

I'm trying to be kinder to myself. but also to the world at large. and this isn't an easy task! its not easy working a busy 6+ hour shift with no break and trying to see the love and beauty in a customer who doesn't say hello before placing their order, forgets to tip, and leaves their dishes right next to the trash and their trash in the bin for the dishes. like that's some actual brain damaged shit and how tf am i supposed to approach that with kindness?!

i orginally had a bunch of ideas for a manifesto. earlier this year, (2025) I entered this super agitated state and i can't tell if it was triggered cause i stopped smoking weed on a regular basis and was forced to engage with the world for the first time in a year and a half or if im straight up bipolar. but either way i had this like, psychotic rage towards lofi hiphop beats and cozy aesthetics.
the opening of my previous attempt and like to be honest, everything i was saying was completely right. But like, all of this had sort of twisted itself up inside of me. It became this weird massive structure within me that held nothing except my own self loathing. I had like nine points in my manifesto and like 4 of them were something along the lines of "nothing is ever good and we are bad people and this is good."

But if possible i would like to sort of untangle that mess. Separate the criticisms of consumer culture from my self loathing and martyr complex.

I don't know. I think optics are stupid. i think that i could be the most normal, palatable, 'one-of-the-good-ones' trannies imaginable and i would still be reduced to a disgusting AMAB, male-socialized fetish pervert. I'll mention im trans in an instagram comments section and i'll get people telling me to kill myself in my DMs for literally months.

this was a random guy, completely unprompted

The lofi music is a pretty good example. Again this music that takes heavily from two musical styles with african american roots and takes away its entire identity and markets it as cozy comfy chill music. Even those live stream videos are like, redrawn clips from studio ghibli movies but replaced with a white girl doing homework. Completely erasing the themes and ideals of the original work into actual slop. How being marketable and palatable means contorting yourself into a form that can be appreciated by white supremacy. And to shape yourself in this way is impossible without killing core parts of your identity.

Why waste my time with professionialism? why waste my time with perfection? why waste my time being palatable? Why waste my time being a good and acceptable tranny? Why waste my time waiting until i have all the nice quality tools to make the high quality art? Why waste my time waiting until i have a studio and a team to make my films? Why waste my time waiting until the cirumstances are right? until things are good? until im no longer a fucking crazy person?

Lofi music isn't even actually like lofi, its just made in fucking ableton or some shit, with like added effects of needle drops and record fuzz. Its insincere. It's putting on an act. Its playing it safe. It's doing what has already worked in the past. Its pathetic.

Also! I think more people should be gross and weird! There should be a conversation between the art and the artist through the materials. More art should be made with the shit you have lying around. We live in capitalist hell!!! nice paints are expensive! AI can already make pretty pictures of thin white women really well! What do YOU bring to the table?!?!?

My biggest regret in art is not finishing the shitty AMV i was working on when i was 16. I had finished the whole animatic and then dropped it cause i felt my level of skill wasn't enough to finish the project in a satisfying way.

The most important work i have ever made is called The Lows of Dogfucking(feat. Frank Zappa). Its a 5 minute long film i made in 5 days. its animated from old photos and paintings i had made before the film's inception and ms paint sprites and sticky notes. It was the first time i had seen a completed work by me and felt like it was really mine.

The point im trying to make here is It is never gonna happen. Whatever It maybe. I don't mean this as like hopelessness. But the circumstances are never gonna be "just right" for like, anything. Art or otherwise. Ur never gonna be perfect, and striving for that is just going to kill you inside. You're never gonna be one of the good ones regardless of what marginalized group you are, again, without killing yourself in the process. You're never going to make the grass just as green on your side as it is on the other without killing yourself.

so let's not kill ourselves :]

tbh idk if this even counts as a manifesto but WHATEVERRRR THAT'S THE LOVE OF THE GAME MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!! :P